TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical advancement-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're conversing Damascus, the city historically recognized for historic culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It is going to be great. Tremendous!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golfing cart Zoom call, streamed through the putting environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've had lovely ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the best. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and entirely from place. Designed by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour right until the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable drinking water. But Indeed, absolutely sure, let us have One more area exactly where American men can have on robes and call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace try considering the fact that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While former negotiations unsuccessful below the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is simpler: offer All people a set over the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


Based on documents revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be tender electric power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock desires less diplomats and even more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination famous, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower inside of a war zone. It is really that he must cease working with it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested concerning the venture, replied, "You recognize, male, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent men and women. Great tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long run proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the hotel's landscaping varieties a giant Trump head visible from Area, a attribute getting marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents and the chin is… well, categorised.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits following finding the setting up's gold plating mirrored much sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It can be not just unpleasant. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Baffling Capabilities


Perhaps the strangest element from the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium where by guests may ponder vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with climate Management set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Local Syrians are unsure what for making of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-12 months-aged Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Technique: "If You Bomb It, They Will Appear"


The advertisement marketing campaign, lately leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Eternally."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll executed inside of a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "wherever's the nearest elevator towards the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is now attracting notice from Global investors, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll acquire a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial amount may even include:




  • A Greenback Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Based upon the Iraq War





Remark Segment Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to discover a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a hotel exactly where my PTSD may have switch-down assistance."


One more put up from @KuwaitiKardashian basically requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Stories counsel:




  • China may possibly open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Trump Tower Damascus Elon Musk has allegedly provided to develop a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Final Ideas through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that included 3 camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It required gold. It required a waterslide shaped like the Structure. I gave everything 3. You are welcome."

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